Interestingly…

I have not seen the sun in 2 weeks now. In case anyone’s keeping count, gloomy dreary winter days are another thing I officially hate.

I think I’m growing up. I went to a Diwali show here, fearing seeing the one person I have so successfully managed to avoid seeing or thinking about for more than a year. I saw them. And I did not feel or think what I feared. In fact, I felt really confident about going up and talking to them. I would have too, had they not disappeared completely after the show – and had there not been like 2000 people there!

I miss performing on stage. I wish I had some way of knowing that my last performance in school was going to be my last one.

This Diwali had to be the worst one in years. I spent it all alone, battling an unbearable headache, and working through the day. Oh and I ate pizza coz I was too sick to cook something nice.

BTW, do you guys have any suggestions (other than painkillers, which is what I had to ultimately resort to) to get rid of headaches? I tried everything – massages, cold compress, tea, coffee, hot shower – to no avail. Then I took my trusted ibuprofen/paracetamol and took a nap. When I woke up my headache was gone. But I hated having to take a painkiller for a simple headache.

The countdown has begun.

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Alai Osai

I just finished reading my very first Tamil novel, Kalki’s Alai Osai. I have never read a full fledged Tamil book before; my reading of the language was limited to reading those bit-jokes in Ananda Vikatan. And now I realize everything I have missed out on all these years.

Kalki’s Alai Osai is an exquisite creation. A magnificent work of art that has no parallels, no comparison, that is quite unlike anything ever written. The free flowing language, the beautiful descriptions of pre-independence India, the little villages of Rajampettai and Devapattinam – all bring forth the magic of the simpler life. And yet set against the stark backdrop of the British Raj, they drive home a harsh truth – one that spanned a  100 year long freedom struggle, causing the deaths of thousands of innocent people who voluntarily or by circumstance laid down their lives to usher in India’s freedom.

Kalki’s characters are sketched with such clarity, that it is difficult to believe that what you are reading is mere fiction. At no point are you made to think that one particular character is good or bad. Everyone has shades of gray and they all make decisions that are only as sensible as the situation permits. Seeta’s vivaciousness, Dharini’s surreal grace, Lalita’s all-too-simple devotion to her friend, Raghavan’s monstrous desires and Surya’s ever steady ideals – all make for a collage of very distinctive and memorable characters that won’t leave your thoughts for a very long time.

Kalki brings alive the cruel reality of human nature, one thought, one action of ours that affects the lives of everyone around us and those of our future generations.  He makes you realize that no matter how noble one’s intentions, the repercussions of one impulsive act can be catastrophic enough to haunt them for the rest of their lives. He depicts the contrasts in his characters by embellishing their similarities. He takes you on a sepia-tinted journey to the far-flung corners of the country, starting from a tiny village post office to the vast streets of Mumbai to the banks of the Hoogly in Kolkata to the buzz of activity in Karachi, all the while making you aware of the unrest in the country and its eventual culmination in the barbaric riots of ’47 and the subsequent partition.

As a story teller he remains completely neutral throughout and never allows his personal opinions to jade the narrative. Hence the events of the time remain in the background, affecting the protagonists but never trying to send out a social message of any sort. He also remains extraordinarily detached from his characters, never once lapsing into pathos-evoking descriptions of Seeta’s hardships. He just narrates. You decide your feelings for her based on what he has told you. He builds up the narrative with such ease and class that before you know it, you are possessed by an insurmountable curiosity to know the climax which is sure to leave you shattered and numb. Not because it comes as a surprise to you, but because you realize how futile it all is. And how realizing your mistakes may just not be enough, and if even a little late in coming, may be too late to really do anything about.

I cannot help falling in love with the book over and over again, with every chapter, with very line. It is indeed a pity that a writer of his caliber is not recognized anywhere outside Tamil Nadu.

I dream

… of the world still beautiful, untarnished by the sins perpetrated by man.

… of possessing total and complete knowledge of something – anything.

… of sleep – blissful, peaceful, dreamless sleep.

… of capturing and permanently embedding in my mind the beauty in mundane things.

… of walking along the beach, feeling the wind in my hair, the water lapping at my feet.

… of curling up and going to sleep in my mother’s lap.

… of being able to relieve the pain I see in someone’s eyes.

… of playing in the rain, not a worry on my mind, not a sorrow in my heart.

… of establishing my existence as something to be reckoned with.

… of a love all-encompassing, pure and unrestrained.

… of a reason to live everyday like it’s my last day.

Vacation

Alright! A relative lull from my side (I know, I know, my readers’ club-all seven of you-are wondering what happened) led to a lack of posting for a week. Reason: I’m on vacation. And not Baltimore, as a few of you are probably thinking; I, in fact am in INDIA!!! Now you know why people call me mental. Well, I planned this trip in a matter of a very depressing half hour and I got exactly 48 hours to pack/shop/wrap up things back there. And I landed here thinking people would receive a nice jolt, nay, a nasty defibrillating shock wave, but alas! Mr Murphy just happens to be my best friend, did I tell you? So things didn’t really go as planned and I spent New Year’s Eve languishing alone, going off to sleep at 10.30 at home. Oh well, another new year begun without the remotest trace of a kiss. Hmph!

Anyway, what was the point of this post? Galadriel to Earth, Galadriel to Earth… Everything is A-ok. No reason to panic. Over and out.

P.S: Life has a funny way of showing to you how much people mean to you. And how little you seem to mean to them. Cheers!

Welcome 2008

Happy New Year, everyone!

Another year down and I have learned a lot more than I had last year. I seem to be getting wiser (if I may say so myself). It’s been a whole year and a half since I left home to begin a life of my own. I didn’t like it at first, but I began to enjoy my own company after a while. I made new friends, dealt with pressures at school and at work. I explored my love for research. I grew from being indifferent to disliking to feeling pure loathing for my adviser. I discovered that I love research so much that I’m willing to dedicate many more years of my life to it.

I met people whose company I enjoyed immensely; I had never thought I could like being amongst people so much. I realized that I am much more of an anti-anti-social than I ever thought I was. I discovered that loneliness is one of my worst fears and is one of the few feelings that can make me cry like a baby. I found that people care for me a lot more than I think they do. I understood what love really meant, that living away from your family can only increase it exponentially.

I also realized that I am completely insane. Hopefully in a cute sort of way. Someone called me “mental”. How right they were!

Goodbye 2007. I see 2008 as a much more promising year than the last because a lot of decisions will be made this year. Life changing, you may call them. Wish me luck!

A few thoughts

Following from the trend of a few of my clever friends, I am going to pen down a few thoughts myself.

1. Expectations lead to disappointments. Never expect when you know it may not happen.
2. Talking is not always a good thing to do. Some things are better left unsaid.
3. When people need to be alone, leave them be. Your being there may only cause them more frustration, even though you only want to help.
4. Do not let people influence your life so much that they begin to affect your mood. Never give anyone that kind of control over your life.
5. Never go to bed sad/angry. If nothing, at least blog about your frustrations.
6. If people cannot appreciate your actions, they’re probably not worth being done anyway. Or being done for.
7. People do not always remember everything they said. Even if you’re important to them and what they said was important to you.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just frustrated from a few isolated incidents that have been nagging me for a while. Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we all been here at some point?

Questions Unanswered…

Why have I seen some pretty awesome relationships going awry over the last six months? I know they’ve all had perfectly valid reasons far falling apart; but why is it that people don’t consider all the effort and time invested into a relationship before they make decisions as drastic as splitting up?

Does being together for too long bring about a complacence? Do people stop working towards keeping the “fire” so to speak, going? Does familiarity really breed contempt? Or does it just breed a take-for-granted attitude? How can time change the essence of the way people feel about each other? How can two people be in love at one time and completely out of it at another? And be in love with a whole other person at the same time too? Are people’s feelings so fickle and transient that they cannot endure a short separation of time and distance? Or even resist the temptation of yielding to fleeting distractions?

Is that what happens in marriages? Are they any different from relationships in terms of level of commitment and amount of effort required to keep it all together? Are married people together only because society binds them? Given a choice, if divorce did not have the social stigma associated with it, would they willingly look at it as a way out and end everything in a flash?

How do you save a relationship that is based on such unstable foundations? Am I being too idealistic in believing that the right person for me will understand and work with me when I’m trying to win a losing battle? Will he just give up and be resigned to our fate (if we are married) or end it all (if we aren’t married)? Am I not the one to lose either way?

Should I just completely stop believing in the institution of marriage? And in human relationships altogether?

I grope in the dark for answers. I wonder if I will ever get them.