I have not seen the sun in 2 weeks now. In case anyone’s keeping count, gloomy dreary winter days are another thing I officially hate.
I think I’m growing up. I went to a Diwali show here, fearing seeing the one person I have so successfully managed to avoid seeing or thinking about for more than a year. I saw them. And I did not feel or think what I feared. In fact, I felt really confident about going up and talking to them. I would have too, had they not disappeared completely after the show – and had there not been like 2000 people there!
I miss performing on stage. I wish I had some way of knowing that my last performance in school was going to be my last one.
This Diwali had to be the worst one in years. I spent it all alone, battling an unbearable headache, and working through the day. Oh and I ate pizza coz I was too sick to cook something nice.
BTW, do you guys have any suggestions (other than painkillers, which is what I had to ultimately resort to) to get rid of headaches? I tried everything – massages, cold compress, tea, coffee, hot shower – to no avail. Then I took my trusted ibuprofen/paracetamol and took a nap. When I woke up my headache was gone. But I hated having to take a painkiller for a simple headache.
The countdown has begun.
Am I asking for too much if I expect people to be the way I am? Not to say that I am the God of everything, but there are some things that I make sure I do, and I religiously live by them. Unfortunately, people don’t seem to think it’s worth reciprocating. I cannot elaborate here, because I vowed not to make this blog personal and a lot of the people involved follow this blog. I do not mean to offend anybody, I am just reflecting and this blog is my vent to let off some steam.
I have learned that accepting “the gray” is a big part of the great learning process called life. Everything is not good or bad. There are people. And people are selfish. No matter how nice they seem, no matter how polite. They care for no one else but themselves. In many ways that is right too. But being self involved to the point where you believe anything outside your own skin is non-existent, is a little too much, what say? Alright, not to be labeled a hypocrite later on, I know I am not the most selfless person in the world. However, I believe I do have a basic level of whatchamacallit. There certainly are some situations where I do care for others. And yet, when others are in the same situation, they do not even stop to think about me. So then my actions seem futile don’t they?
Unfortunately, there are people who seem to accept these discrepancies in others and have the amazing ability to continue being the wonderful people they are. Such people do make you forget that the world is ugly and everything in it isn’t really what it seems. Such people make you smile so.
I got a forwarded email a few days back which urged people to “stop honoring Gandhi”. It had this link in it, that basically has a whole lot of Gandhi-bashing going on. Now, I am a true-blue “youths” belonging to the new generation gang of confused youngsters. I do not know what to believe, and what not to. However, I know for a fact, that his contribution towards dealing with our freedom struggle was really unparalleled. Maybe he made a few mistakes, some wrong decisions. But then, can we say without flinching, that his successors made the right decisions always? Or that people like Savarkar and Ghodse would have made the right decisions? Is that why our country is rolling in wealth and prosperity today?
I do not know whether the stuff on that website is true or not. However, even if we choose to ignore his actions and his valiant efforts towards getting us complete independence, do not his ideologies make even an iota of sense? Do Satyagraha and Ahinsa seem like the ravings of a madman?
I’m confused, I hope someone can shed some light. (And this isn’t a ruse to get people to comment! 😛 )
- why people put up relationship statuses like ‘committed’ on orkut/facebook and then expect you not to ask about it?
- why when you do ask about it they snub you off saying ‘that’s only for my friends to know’?
- why being civil is misunderstood as prying?
- why the one person you expect to get support from at times like this seems to think that the ‘snubber’ was right?
- why that one person thinks you have no reason to feel bad about being snubbed/snapped at on a public forum when all you were trying to do was be nice?
Why have I seen some pretty awesome relationships going awry over the last six months? I know they’ve all had perfectly valid reasons far falling apart; but why is it that people don’t consider all the effort and time invested into a relationship before they make decisions as drastic as splitting up?
Does being together for too long bring about a complacence? Do people stop working towards keeping the “fire” so to speak, going? Does familiarity really breed contempt? Or does it just breed a take-for-granted attitude? How can time change the essence of the way people feel about each other? How can two people be in love at one time and completely out of it at another? And be in love with a whole other person at the same time too? Are people’s feelings so fickle and transient that they cannot endure a short separation of time and distance? Or even resist the temptation of yielding to fleeting distractions?
Is that what happens in marriages? Are they any different from relationships in terms of level of commitment and amount of effort required to keep it all together? Are married people together only because society binds them? Given a choice, if divorce did not have the social stigma associated with it, would they willingly look at it as a way out and end everything in a flash?
How do you save a relationship that is based on such unstable foundations? Am I being too idealistic in believing that the right person for me will understand and work with me when I’m trying to win a losing battle? Will he just give up and be resigned to our fate (if we are married) or end it all (if we aren’t married)? Am I not the one to lose either way?
Should I just completely stop believing in the institution of marriage? And in human relationships altogether?
I grope in the dark for answers. I wonder if I will ever get them.