Sometimes, you know in your head that the things you’re thinking are silly. And you know you’re being stupid by thinking them. Yet, you go on messing up your head because it’s the age-old “fight of the heart and the mind”.
And you need someone to slap you and tell you that you’re being incredibly stupid and you’d better stop acting like someone with an IQ of -2 for your own good. You need someone to say the very same things that your mind tells you, but you’re convinced only because it comes from someone other than you.
You need to be jolted into reality.
Am I asking for too much if I expect people to be the way I am? Not to say that I am the God of everything, but there are some things that I make sure I do, and I religiously live by them. Unfortunately, people don’t seem to think it’s worth reciprocating. I cannot elaborate here, because I vowed not to make this blog personal and a lot of the people involved follow this blog. I do not mean to offend anybody, I am just reflecting and this blog is my vent to let off some steam.
I have learned that accepting “the gray” is a big part of the great learning process called life. Everything is not good or bad. There are people. And people are selfish. No matter how nice they seem, no matter how polite. They care for no one else but themselves. In many ways that is right too. But being self involved to the point where you believe anything outside your own skin is non-existent, is a little too much, what say? Alright, not to be labeled a hypocrite later on, I know I am not the most selfless person in the world. However, I believe I do have a basic level of whatchamacallit. There certainly are some situations where I do care for others. And yet, when others are in the same situation, they do not even stop to think about me. So then my actions seem futile don’t they?
Unfortunately, there are people who seem to accept these discrepancies in others and have the amazing ability to continue being the wonderful people they are. Such people do make you forget that the world is ugly and everything in it isn’t really what it seems. Such people make you smile so.
- why people put up relationship statuses like ‘committed’ on orkut/facebook and then expect you not to ask about it?
- why when you do ask about it they snub you off saying ‘that’s only for my friends to know’?
- why being civil is misunderstood as prying?
- why the one person you expect to get support from at times like this seems to think that the ‘snubber’ was right?
- why that one person thinks you have no reason to feel bad about being snubbed/snapped at on a public forum when all you were trying to do was be nice?
It was my birthday last week. I turned 24. Really, it’s not so bad. I can say with a fair amount of certainty, that I am wiser than I was last year.
I have learned a lot in this past one year. About living without family, living all by myself. Living with roommates and pseudo-living with friends. I have made some amazing ones there. I have discovered things about myself that I never knew I was capable of. And that’s not necessarily a good thing either.
I have learned the importance of companionship. And how it is critical to be amongst people after your own heart. I have become less of a cynic (I frankly don’t see why they are proud of their cynicism). I have learned to open up. I have learned to be more independent. And less so too.
I have discovered how much people matter to me. And how much I matter to them. Or not. I have learned that being alone is not so bad. Sometimes. I have discovered that there’s a difference between people being there for you when you need them and people being friends.
I have learned that some friendships simply can’t be salvaged. And some will never reach a point where they need to be salvaged. And some can just never be. People are never good or bad. They’re only what you make them out to be.
I have learned how much I am like my Mom. Without ever knowing it. I’m glad.
But I don’t want to grow up. Not yet. Not just yet.