I have opinions. Like it or not.

Posts tagged ‘feelings’

Interestingly…

I have not seen the sun in 2 weeks now. In case anyone’s keeping count, gloomy dreary winter days are another thing I officially hate.

I think I’m growing up. I went to a Diwali show here, fearing seeing the one person I have so successfully managed to avoid seeing or thinking about for more than a year. I saw them. And I did not feel or think what I feared. In fact, I felt really confident about going up and talking to them. I would have too, had they not disappeared completely after the show – and had there not been like 2000 people there!

I miss performing on stage. I wish I had some way of knowing that my last performance in school was going to be my last one.

This Diwali had to be the worst one in years. I spent it all alone, battling an unbearable headache, and working through the day. Oh and I ate pizza coz I was too sick to cook something nice.

BTW, do you guys have any suggestions (other than painkillers, which is what I had to ultimately resort to) to get rid of headaches? I tried everything – massages, cold compress, tea, coffee, hot shower – to no avail. Then I took my trusted ibuprofen/paracetamol and took a nap. When I woke up my headache was gone. But I hated having to take a painkiller for a simple headache.

The countdown has begun.

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Picture Perfect.. Really?

Words spoken. Words written. Words read and understood. Words that affect one in a way that nothing ever has. They make one wonder, they take one on imaginary trips to a time, a place of fantasy. Of peace and love. Of harmony. Of a time when one didn’t exist.

At least not to them. They were two hearts, two souls in love. For now and for eternity. They bore each other’s pain, each other’s sorrow. They unburdened their tribulations on one another. They hurt each other. They fought. But they made up. And were more deeply in love than ever. They were perfect for each other. He loved everything about her. Her feisty nature, her long curly hair, her short stature, her mood swings, her brilliance, that he found so rare in others of her species. She loved his steadfast reliability, his composition in the face of crisis, his ability to soothe her fears with just a ‘hello’. His unpretentious nature, his courage. They were meant to be. In every way possible.

The universe thought otherwise. They were seperated by a divide. And what they thought was a perfect world was quickly befouled by what society dictated. He was being sucked into a quagmire that he could only break out of if he were ready to forsake everything he held close. His peers advised him to do it. What did they know, they were young and as hot blooded as he. She waited at the banks, watching him suffer, sinking deeper and deeper, helpless, unable to reach out, try as she might. And then she watched him go under. She waited. He had left, never to return.

He loves someone else today, the memory of his beautiful past all but gone. The scars remain, but his present is a lot sunnier. He is happy, he is making progress in all aspects of his life.  She sometimes wonders if she had met him first, how different would things have been. She wonders what it would have been like to be the first woman he kissed.

Somewhere in the depths of one’s soul, something stirs. Something rankles, making one think about what could have been. If today would be a reality if yesterday was altered. If one needs to live life under rules put down by an abstract institution, rules that really are just a product of a few warped imaginations. If fighting for your love is really worth it. Should dreams remain just that – dreams that may never be fulfilled? Why should you be shown something potentially beautiful, only to be snatched away?

Society argues – do not make a choice if you cannot justify it. What kind of choice is society really giving me then, if what I choose will only be overruled? Society says you are too young to understand the implications. How young is too young? And even if they were older and made the same choice society wouldn’t approve, so I sense the tidings of some vintage hypocrisy here. The truth is, you have no choice. You do whatever it takes to keep society happy and you live with it. If you are the type. If you fight for it, you fight for the rest of your lives.

*** My apologies. Comments are disabled on this post. ***

There’s a sad sort of clanging in the air

In all ways 2008 has been a most eventful year for me. 2007 was seen spent as a student, coping with the realities of having chosen a less-trodden path and paying for it. 2008 drove home the realization stronger than ever. Decisions were made, by me and for me. Decisions that shaped my life and my future. Decisions that, for the first time ever, were made based on the people around me. I saw my life peak through tremendous joy in the beginning. Things were looking up and the wheels were being set in motion, amidst much opposition from my closest of kin.

But in my heart of hearts I somehow always knew that this wasn’t my calling. I knew that there was something amiss in the grand scheme of things and the fact that I was planning my life around a somewhat exhaustive and demanding journey that I was about to set on not only scared me, but also made me question everything I had known to believe about myself. Whether I was capable was beyond doubt. A profound analysis of this phase led me to weigh out the cause-and-effect relationship of some of the events over the past 2 years. I went on to question every single decision I had made, taking into consideration every person that was affected by my decisions and the repercussions of any decisions I made now, and how they would all affect the people in my life from now on into the future. Much opinion-taking and giving was indulged in; many friends came in and offered sound advice. I appreciated their involvement and valued each of their opinions. Whether I agreed with them or not, it helped in that it made me see why I needed to go through with this and served to solidify the basis of my current decision. I stood my ground firmly and went ahead to take the plunge. What followed were 4 months of frustration and a forced “sabbatical” from doing many of my favorite things, blogging included.

2008 also heightened my insecurities. My moments of self doubt became longer-lasting. I questioned everything and everyone, hurting people closest to me. But I have slowly learned how to overcome my insecurities and although I may not have gotten rid of them completely, I have definitely managed to successfully push them to the back of my mind where they lie, now dormant. They surface now and then but I know how to deal with them. To this end I have only person to thank for and I think they know I’m talking about them. If you hadn’t been so supportive and understanding, I doubt if I could have made it this far.

I have moved 3 times this year and I am hoping I won’t have to move again in the next year or so. I have a new life here and I am loving it. There is of course a fly in this soup. Something that I have slowly learned to deal with, but each time it only gets progressively harder. Like everything else, I will work around it.

And of course, I have to mention how much blogging has helped. I have made some truly awesome friends here and I wouldn’t change a single thing in 2008 just because of this. Prashanth and I developed quite a bond and he became my support system through my times of frustration. Of course, it helped that we were kinda going through the same thing. DDD is another such friend. I traveled to TX and met Rayshma and her husband. And I had some really good times with them. She is now one of my closest friends and I am looking forward to many more years of such madness with her. Love you babe!

And of course, I have no idea what I’m doing for New Years Eve and I really really want to wear this pretty dress I bought so I need to figure out something real quick. Or maybe I’ll just open a bag of microwave popcorn (97% fat free butter) and watch a movie. Sheesh, I really need a life.

To conclude, I hope you guys had a fantastic 2008 and you will have an even more fantabulous 2009. Please keep updating your blogs regularly and continue to read my randomness with equal vigor. Love you all. Muah!

Sunday Evening Musings

Cary Brothers playing in the background, you have a weird sense of expectation intermingled with a sense of self doubt. You wonder if this was worth the wait. The frustration, the anger, the surrender. And then the resurrection. At what cost? To spend these lonely cold evenings alone? You read, you listen, you write. But nothing seems to fill the emptiness that threatens to consume you. You check the watch every so often, hoping, praying that it’s time to sleep. The clock seems stuck at 8.33. And what will sleep bring? You know you will sleep, eventually, because your body will overpower your thought. Which is what the purpose was anyway.

But while you wait for that to happen, you have no choice but to live with your thoughts. Thoughts that seem to be all around you, in your head, out of your body, ricocheting off the silent walls, creeping into your brain and draining you of any semblance of hope or happiness you might have left. You wonder why it has to be this hard. Why, after all these months of struggling to get here, now that you have it you wish you didn’t. You wish you had something better. Human nature. Never ceases to surprise you.

The clock is at 8.42 now. You are surprised that it took you this long to type out the few sentences above, even though your mind is flooding with thoughts. The pain, the longing, the solitude: how do you express what they are doing to you? How do you explain why it is that you made this particular choice? Does the alternative seem more appealing now? Certainly not. Logically it follows that you chose well. Then why is it leaving you feeling this lousy?

You pick up the phone. You want to call the one person you know will make you feel better. And yet you don’t. Because calling him will only serve to emphatically drive home what you already know.

It’s 10 minutes off 9. You decide to get something to eat because you need your body functioning normally if you want to get through this week. And then the phone rings. You smile. Because, after all, you wouldn’t have this feeling of pleasure and hope, of the joy of your next meeting if you hadn’t chosen this path.

One

One email, one line, one phone call, one sentence, one moment remembered, one kind word, one little gesture, one promise kept, one action executed, one commitment adhered to, one expression of love… Just one.

Things I expect people to do when I need them the most. Things that never happen and end up disappointing me. Things that make me lose faith in the one person I should never lose faith in.

Protected: It feels amazing

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Release

The laptop hums away merrily while you type line after line of code. It’s almost second nature to you now, you do it without thinking. To think only a year ago, you were a newbie, wet-behind-the ears, scared to death, not knowing a damn thing. You smile ruefully, thinking about those days, when there was not a care in the world, not a minute of silence or sorrow.

And yet, here you are today. In this very cubicle. Still at work at 10pm. Because leaving would mean taking your mind off work. That in turn would only mean one thing… Don’t go there, you admonish to yourself. But nothing can take your mind off the hollowness inside. A deep bottomless abyss, that knows no end. There is no escaping it and there’s no denying the fact that as of today, in this very moment, you’re terribly, terribly alone.

The thoughts come rushing, tumbling into your head as if flood gates were just opened and the reservoir that was splitting at the seams has had release. A turbulent one at that. And despite your instructions to yourself, there’s only so long you can hold off. You’ve already not thought about it all day which has to be some kind of achievement in itself. And with the thoughts comes the one question, the answer to which would probably put you out of this misery. Why?

The answers never come. All that comes is a feeling of fear, dread. Of a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Of a sense of incompleteness, of lacking, of inability. Impotent. Perfectly describes how you feel. You think of the number of times you’ve cried yourself to sleep. Cried in the shower, cried while driving to work, in the train, at the coffee shop, in the supermarket. You think of the number of times you’ve sat alone in your bedroom, with a blade in your hand.

And prayed for release.

For those of you who are worried, this isn’t about me. I was talking to a very good friend who is going through a very tough time and I could understand, having been through such exquisite pain myself. The memories came back and I had to put it to pen and paper.