I have opinions. Like it or not.

Sunday Evening Musings

Cary Brothers playing in the background, you have a weird sense of expectation intermingled with a sense of self doubt. You wonder if this was worth the wait. The frustration, the anger, the surrender. And then the resurrection. At what cost? To spend these lonely cold evenings alone? You read, you listen, you write. But nothing seems to fill the emptiness that threatens to consume you. You check the watch every so often, hoping, praying that it’s time to sleep. The clock seems stuck at 8.33. And what will sleep bring? You know you will sleep, eventually, because your body will overpower your thought. Which is what the purpose was anyway.

But while you wait for that to happen, you have no choice but to live with your thoughts. Thoughts that seem to be all around you, in your head, out of your body, ricocheting off the silent walls, creeping into your brain and draining you of any semblance of hope or happiness you might have left. You wonder why it has to be this hard. Why, after all these months of struggling to get here, now that you have it you wish you didn’t. You wish you had something better. Human nature. Never ceases to surprise you.

The clock is at 8.42 now. You are surprised that it took you this long to type out the few sentences above, even though your mind is flooding with thoughts. The pain, the longing, the solitude: how do you express what they are doing to you? How do you explain why it is that you made this particular choice? Does the alternative seem more appealing now? Certainly not. Logically it follows that you chose well. Then why is it leaving you feeling this lousy?

You pick up the phone. You want to call the one person you know will make you feel better. And yet you don’t. Because calling him will only serve to emphatically drive home what you already know.

It’s 10 minutes off 9. You decide to get something to eat because you need your body functioning normally if you want to get through this week. And then the phone rings. You smile. Because, after all, you wouldn’t have this feeling of pleasure and hope, of the joy of your next meeting if you hadn’t chosen this path.

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Comments on: "Sunday Evening Musings" (11)

  1. 🙂 beautifully expressed.

  2. Awww…. I won’t say it will get better soon, but at the very least, you’ll get used to it. And your 2-3 sentences at the end kind-of give sense to the whole thing.

    *hugs* hang in there girl.

  3. There’s nothing that evokes as much pathos, as the long wait. There’s nothing that causes more joy, than the wait being broken by what you want.

    Beautiful.

  4. Lovely post.. very expressive…
    Not sure what else to say – so, will just pass on *hugs* 🙂

  5. Uffffff stop being such a girl. Make up your mind, are you happy about your current situation or not? It’s much better than the alternative, so the answer is easy ain’t it?

  6. i’ve done this on two occasions. u know of both.
    if you were to ask me, i would say it’s not worth it. but it’s for some time. and all will be fine again. really.
    will see u online.

  7. Looks like u’ve made a tough call and now are reaping wat u sowed.. Well..pat on ur back for coming along so far n I’m sure days will fly before wat ur waiting for arrives in true form!

    Take care girlie..

    n yes…v.well articulated!

  8. beautiful and expressive post!! hugs!!

  9. Thanks you guys! I really feel better after writing and seeing that you guys don’t seem to think I’m making a colossal mistake. 🙂
    @Prashanth: I said it follows logically that what I chose makes sense didn’t I? I really wish people started paying more attention to what I say. 😦

  10. Wow, lovely expressions! The way you’ve written can only emerge direct from the heart! Normal conversations do not normally have this element to them!

    I, for one, am sure that the path chosen by you will help you reach the logical end you want to in the long term. There will always be a few hiccups along the way, but nothing a glass of water can’t take care of! 🙂 Cheers!

  11. Ok, you’ve been tagged. Or something like it.
    Check it out, its the most exciting thing to happen to you. Ever!
    http://blog.severeanomaly.org/2008/11/20/random-random-random-random-random-random/

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