I have opinions. Like it or not.

Dating, Living-in, What?

I have mentioned that I am 24, single unmarried (wink wink 😉 ) and loving it. I also have some very close friends, all more or less my age. Most of them are dating, in relationships, blah, blah and blah and this whole social charade gets me thinking…. I have a few relationship questions that need clarification. Maybe someone should publish a manual that has in-depth answers. I wonder if the Hitchhiker’s Guide had them.

Dating: When is an appropriate time to start saying you’re dating? One, two, three dates? And, really, what does qualify as dating? Coffee, dinner, movie, drinks, thrown in with copious amounts of subtle flirting and double entendres hidden in every sentence we speak? Then does that mean that some people I know end up dating even their friends (or people they “claim” are their friends) ? A touch here, a naughty smile there, a peck on the cheek that lingered a moment too long? And how long does it take to actually proceed from “a date” to “dating” ?

Relationship: When does it go from “dating” to “being in a relationship” ? Is there an intermediate phase in between these two? And amongst all this confusion when does the first kiss take place? And how long does it take to move from the kiss to other, more interesting things? Does it mean that whoever you’re getting it on with is the person you’re in a relationship with? And what if you’re with them, have all the benefits of a relationship (well, I can only think of one big benefit, but for peace of mind, let’s add the plural) and yet deny ever being in the relationship/going around/blah-bloo-blah?

Commitment: We’ve all heard this word. And in all probability, more often than not we’ve heard it along with the phrase “not ready”. So when does a relationship transform into a commitment? And does making out have any part to play in this? I for one cannot imagine a guy being committed to a girl because she’s mind-numbingly hot in bed/makes love like a tigress. And I do happen to know women who would sleep with men and then claim to be “not ready for a commitment” leaving the guy gaping. But I also happen to know men who do the exact same thing. So what does commitment mean?

Living together: So do you live together once you’ve “committed” to one another? When you’re in a “relationship”? Please tell me you don’t move in together when you’re dating. Does living together require the relationship to pass the above two stages? Or can it be done in between one of these? So does it also signify that your relationship is definitely moving towards marriage? How much time passes between the living-in and the popping-of-final-question? So when you’re living with someone, you’re all but married right? So then why do people break up even after years of living together? And is it allowed to come back with the “no commitment” drill after you’ve lived with someone?

And, the most puzzling question of all…. Where does “love” fit in the grand scheme of relationship-y things? When is an appropriate time to say the dreaded 3 words? How easy or difficult is it to slide from one intense (emotionally and physically) relationship to another while having said (or at least felt) the L-word?

Maybe we should all go back to our parents’ and grandparents’ generations where life was simple and you didn’t have to think so much. Meet boy, parents say yes, you say yes, get married, sleep with the almost-stranger you just married, have kids, live happily ever after.

Pshaw.

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Comments on: "Dating, Living-in, What?" (14)

  1. The funny thing is not that you have these questions, but the fact that these questions are only answered when you go through any of these things. There is some internal automatically learned judge who just seems to know where things are for you.

    Problem is usually, you and the other guy, you’re at different places.

  2. Girl, you are NOT asking any easy questions here are you?!! 😛
    I have absolutley no answers to them!!
    I guess, you just “know” and the being in a relationship-thingy hits you when you are in the middle of a “relationship”!!! LOL

  3. someone is putting up quite a few queries.

    The only answer I can think of is its time when your heart says it is. No two relationships are the same so judging one by the parameters of another is not right. Not even when the person going through them is the same. Judging your present partner by the behaviour pattern of the previous can be greivious.

    As for our grandparents style of ‘living together’. Yes it did simplify matters but then u were also stranded with someone with whom you may have had nothing in common except your religion, language, caste, bed and eventually children.

    Is that enough for you and me?

  4. I thought I’d know the answers to this, but evidently I don’t. Or maybe ze brain refuses to work… Monday mornng blues. Shall come back later and try again. Lekin, I thought SATC took care of answering such things? I don’t watch the show but I’ve heard enough to gather it’s like the latest bible on all things relationship and louve related.

  5. The Qs sound so simple n matter of fact haan…but answers are hard to come…??

    Actually not…inside my head i have answers to all these Qs but one..but they ain’t exactly the RIGHT answers..they are just MY opinion n that too MY opinion AT THIS PHASE of my life…n u know how things keep changing thereby changing some views as well?

    I don’t have an ans for the Q on love ‘coz i donno wats love. I donno if it actually exists or is just a delusion..U have an ans to this one?

  6. My head is reeling… with all these questions.. after 6 yrs of married life I still can’t answer them….

  7. love is a highly over-rated word according to me…
    the rest of the answers are subjective. i know the answers for me. they may be different for u. as long as the two individuals are on the same page, it’s all fine… 🙂

  8. @DDD: pliss to not rely on SATC for such answers… the shows good to know how many Choos u need to have! n;)

  9. ROFL!! But this is not a good exam. Answers vary depending upon who you are, where you are, where you come from, etc etc etc. Kinda like my candidacy exam 😉

  10. Hmmmm. It was a funny situation in my case.The b.f. proposed and moved in the same day!!! Actually we were friends and i was at that time sharing the flat with 2 other male friends who happen to be his friends.3 things happened at the same time 1) one of the flatmate got thru mba school and had to move out 2) current b.f. had to vacate his apartment 3) love started happening.
    Oops that didnt answer any of your question did it?except maybe -So do you live together once you’ve “committed” to one another? 🙂

  11. now what? u’re gonna wait till we provide u with answers to blog on??

  12. That’s exactly what I was thinking. Update soon woman!

  13. Dropped here through Pavi’s blog…

    This made a really interesting read…

    I disagree with the last statement…I think the hype of arranged marriages working our more than love marriages is pure BS…They work because the parties who consent to it are more submissive than normal…and more scared of a social backlash in the event of divorce…

    – Harish

    PS: Would love to subscribe to this blog but cant find the link for a feed…

  14. @SEV: So you’re asking me to live with someone if I need answers?
    @Pixie: Heh, so who ever said relationships were easy? 😛
    @pinku: I know girl, but in the light of all my head-spinning questions, it seems a solutions doesn’t it?
    @DDD: I don’t watch SATC at all. And even if I did, I wouldn’t consider a show with Sarah Jessica Parker my I Ching, now would I? Har, har.
    @Pavi: If I did, I wouldn’t be asking it would I? 😀
    @Preethi: See your life is simple, you’re MARRIED. That automatically disqualifies you from answering any of these questions! 😛
    @rayshma: Who’s talking about love? And who’s asking your opinion about it? All I’m saying is I don’t understand where the idea of all that passion, all that intensity, and all those other feelings you associate with the word ‘love’ fits in with the rest of the stuff. Love may be overused and abused, but I honestly cannot think of another word to describe everything I feel and think when I’m in a relationship. Can you?
    @Prashanth: Did you clear that one at least? Coz if you did, you might have answers to these. 😛
    @LOTS: You, m’dear, are an excuse for a modern woman. You were the ONE person I expected an answer from about the living-in thing at least. Blech.
    @Harish: Welcome, welcome! You can just subscribe to it from the address bar of your browser window, right? As for my last statement, I’m not saying we should live like our grandparents, I’m just speculating about a simpler life they led in terms of marriages.. and that came with lack of education. I’m not talking about arranged marriages of today, so I’m sorry if I put across the wrong idea. 🙂

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