I have opinions. Like it or not.

A.k.a. The Kalyanam Chronicles.

With all my friends getting married and me visiting the happy couple, I had to do this.

I hate weddings. I hate all the fanfare, the big hullabaloo, the smoky atmosphere, the silk sarees, the jewelry on display, everything.

But the fun part is when random Uncles/Thathas/elderly gentlemen walk upto you and go ‘When I last saw you you were about this tall.’ and making a gesture that would make you about as tall as Tom Thumb. *Was that the same time as when you had hair on your head?*

“Oh, marine science aa? What will you do with it?” *I’ll make pickles, at least I’ll do it better than your jobless daughter.*

“Oceanography? Heard of National Institute of Oceanography in Goa?” *Well, duhh, I am an oceanographer. And I know NIO sucks. Why do you think I’m in the US?*

Enter the Maami Mafia. “Enna ma? Can you sing? Can you do alapanai?” *Why, would I not qualify as a singer if I sang a Beatles song?”

“Oh-o! You look like K.R.Vijaya! I always told your mother you’d turn out like this.” *Erm.. why would you tell her I’d look like an actress who used to be a peasant-girl selling flowers at the Guruvayoorappan temple? And is it no wonder then that neither my mom nor I have seen you ever since??*

“You’re 23? When do you plan to get married? Or are you one of these career-oriented girls?” *Yep, I’ll have a job and so naturally I’ll torture your son into doing household chores, which means I can’t be a good wife anyway.*

“I know a very good boy, he’ll be perfect for you.” *Does he like practising wrestling with his body pillows? No? Then he’s not perfect for me, sorry.*

“Can you sing? Can you cook?” *Pray, please to tell me how the two are related. AND how they’re related to marriage? Unless, of course, I marry him, then I sing and he dies. If he’s survived my singing, I can poison his dinner, is that how?*

“My son also lives in the US, you should meet him sometime.” *Lady, you do realize that the US is an actual country?*

And this happened when I was standing at one wedding with my grandmom.

Grandma: “What do you think of so-and-so’s son for our little girl?”

Random lady: ” Nice boy but his onnu-vitta-mama (some uncle, once removed) had cancer so their family medical history is not good.”

Grandma: “Ohh.. Thanks ma, good I spoke to you, what a good deed you have done.”

Me: “Umm.. Paati, what about our athai who also died of cancer?”

Grandma: “You stay quiet, periyava pesarche unakku enna anga velai?” (big people talking, you what there doing?)

And, of course, there’s always this one loser who goes to weddings just to see if any pretty eligible girls will make the mistake of considering him as a prospective groom. One such character apparently took a liking to me at one wedding ;). He kept following me around trying to make conversation *Did he not see me rolling my eyes after every sentence he spoke??* and convincing me how it is so cool that he chucked his PhD at Wayne State University and is doing a Masters at IIT Madras because he “wants to serve the country”. *Pray, how? By choosing a career by which you will eventually end up working for an MNC?”

He introduced himself so.

Shady Character: “Hi, I’m Ranga, short for Ranganathan.”

Me: *Not quite impressed with the nicknaming of self, it was still a loser name.* “Erm.. Hi.”

SC: “I’m Prema’s son.”

Me: <staring at him blankly>

SC: “Vijaya’s sister?”

Me: <still blank>

SC: “Umm.. Raghu Chithappa’s wife Vijaya?”

Me: <beginning to panic, wondering if I was at the right wedding> *Who were all these people???*

SC: “Umm.. whose side are you from? The bride or the groom?”

Me: “Erm.. err… I think my Mom’s calling out to me. Bye.”

Turns out, Vijaya was the bride’s mom and the bride was my mom’s cousin, so that made Raghu Chithappa, my mom’s Mama. I found that out much later, of course, thanks to my mom who had seen all this happening and was bursting with laughter.

So why do I still attend weddings? For the food, of course. And for material to blog about. πŸ˜€ Later.

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Comments on: "Mangalyam Tantuna–enna?" (21)

  1. rayshma said:

    ok. as promised, detailed comment.
    a. i hate weddings too. hated mine the mostest. hence i recco all to elope and get married.
    b. me no like digs on unemployed ppls. and no, i can’t make pickles. don’t eat them either πŸ˜›
    c. what is alapanai????? and umm… next time break into an item number THEN & THERE!
    d. dude… u look like a south indian actress, eh??? u shud say thank u! πŸ˜€ i was once told i look like tanushree dutta. the guy never dared speak to me after that!
    e. a lot of guys may want to marry u if u say u like “wrestling with body pillows”. just a warning. from a well-meaning fren πŸ˜‰
    f. do all the boys know how to sing and cook? very important it is. the cooking, esp.
    g. where is ranga now? i’m sure u kept in touch with him. such a louvely boy n all! πŸ˜€
    p.s.: was there moong dal halva at the wedding???

  2. rayshma said:

    p.s.: i have not missed out u calling urself pretty. i shall just choose to ignore it. after all, u resemble popular south indian actresses n all! πŸ˜€

  3. This happened to me at my bro’s wedding last year..
    Random old man (amma’s athai’s chitappa’s peran’s thatha’s _’s _): Yena nyabagam iruko?
    me: Of course uncle. Ungala marakka mudiyumaa..
    ROM: Nee patthu vayisu irundai appo..

    ..
    (10 mins of smalltalk later)
    ROM: Seri yen peru sollu paakalam..

    Needless to say, much embarrassment ensued πŸ˜€

    Rayshma: Just googled Tanushree Dutta after reading ur comment! Thanks for the tip πŸ™‚

  4. Teehee… that was such a funny post.

    so are you taking raysh’s advice and eloping? πŸ˜€

  5. Two things struck me.
    1. You hate weddings. Does not bode well for someone.
    2. You go to weddings for food. Seriously ?

    You should also include the Thatha brigade sitting in the front row and complaining about how the vadhyar just cannot say the mantrams right/clearly. Even if he has a mike and is enunciating, and you can understand them. They can just never be right.

    Awesome post πŸ™‚

  6. Oh, how I’d love to be at your wedding. Kanjeepuram ombothu mayam jarigai oda podavai, kazhuthula moonu maalai…. And to think you plan to have five of those!

    @SEV, maybe G goes to the weddings for the kadalai. It is a different matter that she only meets Ranga. I also know a mama who goes to all these ceremonies for the simple pleasure of claiming that the vadhiyaar cannot say it right. Maybe we should unleash Darth Vaadiyaar on such people (with all three sangathis)!

  7. hahah.. been there.. so I can totally relate to this. When my cousin brother got married my cousin and I who were 24 and 23 then contemplated walking in with a burka to be left in peace.. instead we caught the whole ceremony on a balcony overlooking the dias (outside the rooms, you know what am talking about)!! on a completely different note, Ranga short for Ranganathan reminded me of Thillumullu.. have you seen that movie?

  8. and you actually love the food at weddings?? oh my.. you must be very adventurous!!! πŸ˜›

  9. @PS: to reiterate… i do NOT look like her. but yes, u’re welcome. enjoy! πŸ˜‰

  10. Oh, so you’ve got a fan following at the weddings, eh? Its a pity I forgot to take your autograph when you were here — can I at least have a pic? πŸ˜‰

    BTW, “Unless, of course, I marry him, then I sing and he dies. If he’s survived my singing, I can poison his dinner” — that too does not bode well for someone! πŸ˜›

    Hehehe… lovely post!

  11. @rayshma: no, there was no moong dal halwa.
    @PS: haha, that’s why i NEVER admit to recognizing people at weddings.
    @alice: no, at my wedding, i’ll be too pissed off and irritable so i’d be the one making all the demands. NOT gonna miss out an opportunity like that!
    @SEV: yeah, poor guy. actually, i go to weddings for the payasam. and yeah, i forgot about the thathas. πŸ˜€
    @Sailesh: no, no, only first one traditional marriage. everything else, unofficial, unregistered. πŸ˜€
    @preethi: heh, yeah, i know what you’re talking about. πŸ™‚
    @Sudipta: thanks. πŸ™‚

  12. why’re u going green…??? envying whom…??

  13. LOL!!!!!! πŸ™‚

    I’m laughing too hard to say anything else right now!! πŸ˜€

    Template is too green na? Liked the previous one better…
    (I know you didn’t ask, but I’m recuperating and I have nothing else to do!!)

  14. OK, its all red now! Err..did you change the template like now?

  15. New template..Nice!!!
    Please to say Hi to Ranga,short for ranganathan, from my side!! πŸ™‚
    btw, you look like a south indian actress..PHEEET(thats me whistling);-)

  16. Saw the title n cldnt resist reading the post..n am i glad i did πŸ™‚

    Hahahhha….these oldies i tell u!

    n poooooooooooooor Ranga…hahaha..i love doing that to men πŸ˜‰

    BTW..just curious..is gladriel ur name?

  17. $r!n!/@$ Iyer said:

    Post hilarious maximus. Comments equally so!! BTW apart from from the mantram and homam crap, I am not adapting myself to listening to the elderly and derive every bit of pleasure out of it. Food no doubt is a big attraction.

  18. Hi!

    at 23 if u risk going to weddings then what u mention are natural fallouts…cant stop grinning…coz i remember going thru the same. njoy the moment girl am sure they make for lovely posts and still better memories.

    And tell u what while u r at these weddings eat all u can. chances are at ur own, u will plan the menu but not get to eat it…atleast not in peace for sure.

    And I agree u ought to start dancing/singing the moment its mentioned…should stop the questions or atleast be good entertainment. hehehe

  19. 23 huh. Must have been VERY long ago then πŸ˜‰

    You real name is Galadriel? Then I am Aragorn. Ranger, King errant, Walker of the Path of the Dead, Wielder of the Sword Reforged. Parampappaaaaaaaa.

  20. haha.. lol… Guess its the same case with all unmarried gals attending the weddings. The old ladies interfere a lot πŸ™‚

  21. Wawesome! LOL…

    I have a unique theory about the sing-a-song tradition for match-making…It is actually a premptive measure that signals the maximum decibel-level a house can reach in the worst case scenario..

    In fact, I encourage everyone who will be living in the house with the potential couple to sing…the more, the merrier..and a more accurate prediction..mamiar, mamanar, nathanar, paati, velakaari, pullai, ponnu…everyone sing…

    Culinary knowledge/skills is a direct consequence of the above trait..

    Inquisitive paati: paatu paadu ma…(if she knows u well, she will even name the song for you)

    Hidden meaning: How high can you go?

    Inquisitive paati: chari, paatu paadiyaachu..ippo, chamayal epidi?

    Hidden meaning: You dont plan to go to bed on an empty stomach after howling at each other do you??

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