The laptop hums away merrily while you type line after line of code. It’s almost second nature to you now, you do it without thinking. To think only a year ago, you were a newbie, wet-behind-the ears, scared to death, not knowing a damn thing. You smile ruefully, thinking about those days, when there was not a care in the world, not a minute of silence or sorrow.
And yet, here you are today. In this very cubicle. Still at work at 10pm. Because leaving would mean taking your mind off work. That in turn would only mean one thing… Don’t go there, you admonish to yourself. But nothing can take your mind off the hollowness inside. A deep bottomless abyss, that knows no end. There is no escaping it and there’s no denying the fact that as of today, in this very moment, you’re terribly, terribly alone.
The thoughts come rushing, tumbling into your head as if flood gates were just opened and the reservoir that was splitting at the seams has had release. A turbulent one at that. And despite your instructions to yourself, there’s only so long you can hold off. You’ve already not thought about it all day which has to be some kind of achievement in itself. And with the thoughts comes the one question, the answer to which would probably put you out of this misery. Why?
The answers never come. All that comes is a feeling of fear, dread. Of a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Of a sense of incompleteness, of lacking, of inability. Impotent. Perfectly describes how you feel. You think of the number of times you’ve cried yourself to sleep. Cried in the shower, cried while driving to work, in the train, at the coffee shop, in the supermarket. You think of the number of times you’ve sat alone in your bedroom, with a blade in your hand.
And prayed for release.
For those of you who are worried, this isn’t about me. I was talking to a very good friend who is going through a very tough time and I could understand, having been through such exquisite pain myself. The memories came back and I had to put it to pen and paper.